Well, the cliche that touches my heart is this: "they grow too quickly". And it is so true! Where is that tiny baby that I gave birth to? The one whose entire body would fit in my arms with ease? The one who knew only mother and father and the world around her was foreign and uninteresting? Where is my tiny baby girl?
I know the answer of course. She has grown. Quite beautifully so. She has gone from reacting to the world to interacting with it. She is a big girl now and will only get bigger, smarter, and more independent.
Even following the attachment parenting method I fear the independence. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her to grow, to learn, to reach new milestones. And yes even to be a self independent of me... I think? At the same time I yearn for us to be one body forever. To escape to a place where I can have an infant for two years, a three-month old for another two, and to continue in this vein until I feel that I'm ready for her to be grown. If only she could be a baby for longer, so much longer.
It feels like an impending and neverending loss. I'm sure this has to do with the loss of our angel baby, that we feel loss so deeply. That we want a *baby* so deeply.
So I try and focus on the positive. Having a one year old has to have some unique fantastic lovely experiences. Right? And a toddler, a school age child, maybe even a teenager... Of course to think that far right now brings me more angst than joy. I want to hold her in my arms forever and dread the day when she will push them off her to go play outside. I know she will always come back to mommy, even as an adult, but still the thought frightens me a little and saddens me a lot.
To add to the loss of infancy we will soon be starting foods. *Sigh*. She is trying to grab them off my plate now. I want to wait as long as possible to start but it won't be much longer. I love being her only source of nourishment. That she has thrived from my body and my love for her.
So she grows! She reaches new milestones! She is a smart, healthy, beautiful growing girl! Get a grip woman! There is positive to focus on. You can't change things. She is going to get bigger, become more independent, need you less. Really I am so so happy for her. That she can do these things. That I can experience this when so many can't. I have cherished every moment and want to cherish the rest. So mom's who have been there use this as a starting point. Tell me what we have to look forward to! I fear if you don't these last few months of babyhood will be equal grief to joy. Help me stop plugging my ears when people tell me how fast she is growing!
I know one of the things you have to look forward to and dread all at the same time. You will one day be sitting somewhere and Piper will be playing and she will stop and out of nowhere come up and tell you she loves you and give you hugs and kisses. You will absolutely MELT!!! I have no doubt you will.
ReplyDeleteShe will have learned it from you and how much you love her and express that and from that you will be shown that so much by her.
Brittany will even as I sit here on the computer just randomly come up and give me big hugs and kisses and tell me I love you mommy! It makes even the darkest day bright.
It could be 20 below outside with 6 feet of snow and when they do that it makes it all disappear.
It is a double edge sword though cause this in every case ends with them growing up. Which I wish I could slow down, not stop but slow down so as to make it last a little longer for me. Selfish I know but they're my babies.
oh yeah. totally agreeing right here.
ReplyDeletethere are folks who tried to tell us that Logan was too old to be nursing and cosleeping into toddlerhood, but of course it was that closeness that helped ease the bittersweet heartbreak of him growing up. it was a solid reminder to me that regardless of how independent he was becoming, he still needed (and wanted!) me.
i mourned the day he began taking solid foods. i am so glad that when he chose to wean at 2 years, it had been a long, gradual process.
it still stings sometimes rather unexpectedly. he wears some 4T sizes in clothes and i'll catch my self tearing up over newborn outfits. where did my wee baby go? :)
What is important to try to remember, is that every age has something fun and exciting. My kids make up stories and draw pictures and their imaginations are beautiful. I love listening to them talk and I can see their little minds growing and developing into intelligent little people. Then they start to be able to do whatever fun things you like to do with you; help you cook, learn to ride a bike, a scooter, surf... watching them learn at every stage is amazing. My boy can write his name! etc... Keep your eye out for what your baby girl is learning, and at every age she will amaze you and fill your heart with love and pride. It's their character that is unveiling and growing and we get to try and guide them in a wholesome way as best we can. Your girl will make you laugh, give you kisses and probably demonstrate that she are smarter than you at times! When I hold a tiny baby or see pictures of my own back in the day, I sometimes want to be able to lay them on my chest or fit them in my arm and cuddle up, but mostly it just fills me with so much joy and I hug and kiss my 3 year old girl and my 4 year old boy and we laugh, enjoying the moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the growing up thing. Every time Hazel does something new, I'm amazed, proud and a little sad. One thing that helps me stay okay with this is realizing how much I love where she is at right now, at this minute. I also try not to think about her growing up too much.
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